


and i will stumble and fall.

by commonemergency



Series: ficmas 2017. [9]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Family Feels, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, set in where things come back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-12 21:38:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12968928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: he’s clumsy, resembling much of a baby deer walking for the first time with his awkward steps trying not to fall down but seeing his mother waiting with open arms.prompt: forjane (agingphangirl)who requested some of phil's point of view in where things come back.





	and i will stumble and fall.

**Author's Note:**

> so this prompt is set in my story [where things come back.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12840564/chapters/29318988)
> 
> i'm about to drop a spoiler, so if you haven't read WTCB, feel free to skip out on this if you want, i have other fics that i've done for ficmas that's not part of a story! (:
> 
>  
> 
> **SPOILERS:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> it's set after the breakup, martyn and cornelia are very present in this!

“You know what they don’t tell you about heartbreak? How much it sucks knowing all of this information about someone and not knowing where to put it.” It was Phil’s birthday soon, Martyn and Cornelia had stayed up with Phil and decided to lay in the backyard on a blanket that would soon be filled with grass stains. They’re a little bit tipsy, mainly Phil, who never really resorted to drinking to fix his problems _but it was his birthday_ , he was heartbroken, wondering about a boy and hoping that Dan was thinking about him, too. 

He didn’t hold his breath anymore when someone would text him, whether it was happy birthday or how he was doing. He didn’t think that he’d deserve that text message if Dan did decide to reach out to him. Phil had made the gap so big that it wasn’t even possible to hop over to the other side. He kept thinking, maybe it was his fault, maybe it was what he deserved. 

“I’m sorry, Phil.” Cornelia grabs Phil’s hand and holds it, Phil peeks to see that she’s been holding onto Martyn’s this entire time. It must look funny from the outside. They’re lined straight, staring at a sky that was so dark and so vast. Phil was hoping that the clouds would move so they could at least look at the moon.

“It’s okay.” Phil says, even though it’s not okay. It hasn’t felt okay for a very long time. He wants to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. He couldn’t just objectify the pain because that’s not how it worked. 

Phil thinks back to when he had gotten in the car with Martyn when he left, how he started to drive away from the apartment, how he had tried to keep it together until halfway out of the borough before Phil had started to cry. He never cried and especially not in front of his brother. He had called his mum and told her that he had done the things that he didn’t want to do, that he felt he had to do, and she told him that she’d be waiting for him with a cup of hot chocolate and a warm hug when he got home. 

Home had been a various amount of things. It had been Manchester before, pieces of himself scattered across the city like the big wheel and the starbucks couch, and the court of his old apartment, and then home had become a person. It was dangerous to count people as homes because much like everything else it came with an expiration date; a lease of when you’d have to move out. Phil just didn’t think it’d be so soon. Or at all. He knows that it sounded a bit dramatic, but it was what he had felt. 

“You know what you need to do?” Martyn had spoken a little bit louder so Phil could hear, “You need to set a goal for yourself this year. Whether it’s improving your youtube channel or creating something that’s just for you. And if it works then great -- and if it doesn’t then… it doesn’t and that’s okay too.” 

Phil had thought about it, the other night he had been going through the boxes he packed, and he had found his old camera, he looked through the videos he had taken, it was a jumbled mess, no real purpose for filming other than because he wanted to. He knows that he was young then, he had a purpose behind it at the time but now that he was older he wasn’t sure what to do with it. 

Now that Phil thought of it, he missed making things like Tape 6. He could never go back to that again but he could make something like it, but more personal he just needed that push. 

“I think that’s a great idea! Phil, you’re so creative, you can totally make something brilliant. We can help, too.” Cornelia had nudged him gently, her smile was warm. 

“Yeah, I think I might.” Phil saved the idea, he’d take it out on a day when he wasn’t so sad. 

He dug his fingers into his palms, and he he kept thinking of how badly he wanted to tell Dan. How badly he wanted him to know that he was going to try and create something that he was proud of. It had been a long time since Phil felt inspired for anything because of how each time he posted a video someone would comment about the video, and he’d have to sift through the comments to find something he could reply to, and whenever he tweeted it felt like it was a chore that he had to cross off a list. It made him just not want to post anything or do anything if it followed him around like this. Everything was up in the air and he didn’t know if it’d ever be stable. 

Martyn had sat up and took his phone out of his pocket, he counted down, and then smiled. 

“Happy birthday, Phil.” 

Cornelia had reached over to hug Phil, and Martyn had gotten up to sit closer, hugging his brother too. Phil must have looked like he needed it because it was rare when the two boys hugged each other but he accepted it. 

“Thank you.” He said from the bottom of his heart. Martyn and Cornelia had stayed for a while, claiming that they missed the family but he knew that it was for him. It was amazing how close they were all becoming, but he knew that they needed to leave soon, they couldn’t stay forever. 

“Look, the clouds are clearing.” Martyn had pointed up towards the sky, it was a full moon tonight. 

It reminded him of that one night. The night that he had taken Dan to the abandoned hospital. 

“ _If I ever felt small I was at least big enough to cover up the moon like this,_ ” The memory echoes in his mind, Phil had reached out his thumb and placing it over the moon. 

Phil wondered if Dan was staring at the moon too. 

“Come on. Let’s go in. We have baby Phil videos to watch to ring in your birthday.” Martyn had wrapped an arm around his shoulder, leading him inside the house which greeted them with warmth and familiarity. It was nice to be home, to be surrounded by people who loved him and cared for him. 

“I made cupcakes earlier! I know we’re supposed to have them later today- but who’s to say we can’t sneak one cupcake in tonight?” Cornelia had trailed behind opening the fridge and taking them out and putting them on a plate while Martyn set up the telly to play the videos. 

Phil had sat on the floor his back against the couch resting his chin on his knees while he waited. They still had some Christmas decorations up but Phil supposed it made it a little more homey -- stretching out the festive season for as long as they can. 

Martyn and Cornelia sat on both sides of Phil. The cupcake that Cornelia had grabbed had a candle in it and they sang quietly. Phil still believed that it wasn’t really his birthday until the morning but he knew that they were trying and that was all that had mattered. He had thought of a wish, because even being an adult, he still wanted to believe in the magic. They quietly cheered, and then Martyn pressed play for the home videos. 

In this video, from what Phil could tell, was his first steps; he’s clumsy, resembling much of a baby deer walking for the first time with his awkward steps trying not to fall down but seeing his mother waiting with open arms, and he can see Martyn standing behind his mum, jumping up and down repeating Phil’s name, his dad is laughing and cheering Phil on behind the camera. Phil does end up falling but he falls in his mother’s arms and Phil thinks of how true that was after the breakup, all he wanted to do was hug his mum until he didn’t feel it anymore. 

It was a bittersweet feeling watching these home movies, how the times have changed, how different they all became, both good and bad. It was a moment of introspection for Phil to see his younger self learning things for the first time and how he was _still_ learning. Cornelia had leaned against Phil and she smiled at baby Phil and Martyn. They laughed at the next video which was Martyn trying to teach Phil how to play hopscotch but he’s too young to understand. 

_“You’ll get it!”_ Martyn keeps saying, patting Phil’s head because he’s crying and probably tired and his brother keeps jumping around him. _“You’ll get it! Just keep trying!”_

Phil would get it. He was still learning. He’d understand it someday.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated! 
> 
> tumblr/twitter: **@nihilismdan.**


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